HACK JOB (2011)

Written by: Tim Nordstedt.

With a cute title and a nice retro cover Hack Job presents itself well.
And even better than that, Lloyd Kauffman, Debbie Rocho and Dave Brockie (R.I.P) from the infamous band Gwar is in here and even better, Bloodsucking Zombies From outer Space have composed the introsong and it features music from other great bands like The Brains, Goat the Head, Calabrese, Sarah Blackwood, The Koffin Kats, Tombstone Brawlers, Ghoul, The Creepshow and more.

Hack Job is an anthology movie and the stories involve mummy nazis, a humaneating alien that lands in the middle of the local battle of the bands and promises alot och gore, tits and ass so it have to be winner I mean how can anything fail with that? Well first of let a complete hack to the job and yes I suppose that the title came from that reason and this movie is intentional bad bud it still takes talent to make intentional bad movies entertaining, and this feels like a cinematic postabortion with big intentions of being a shot on video, independent Troma rip-off but doesn't even reach the low level of Darryl Carstensens movies, in fact it doesn't even have a level - it's ranked down in a bottomless pit with a handful of other abominations that someone released in a temporary delusional state.

The story starts off with the devil giving two idiots a moviescript and yes he did call them idiots, not me so obviously this movie is selfaware but tragically not selfaware enough, the guys get's all worked up as they are trying to be the defenders of the horror movie scene that have gone so wrong nowadays and vows to make an indepent horrorfilm with tits, cheesy monsters, more tits and ass and yes there will be tits, alot of tits! sadly they are more than wasted in here.

And then the first segment pops up without any introduction or phase over into the story and it's named Tomb of the SS, well it's not much of a story, a man goes to Mumbai to see his girlfriend who works as an archeologist, a nazigang consisting of three nazis are  also there and starts messing with things and then toiletpapered towelmummies attacks, there were not a single structure in this segment or acting, good effects, decent camerawork or jokes, just like the rest of the movie. We have one mummy getting hit in the head with a shovel by the girlfriend and then she says can you dig it, now that is how bottomless low it goes.

The second one have a form of doubtful introduction, this one ended up with being the best part in the movie and I'm pretty sure that you know how little that means, but I could see the most parts of this one without feeling like my brain is starting to devolve.

An alien lands outside a fastfood restaurant and quickly takes possession of the body of one of the employees and after a couple of switches it ends up with Petes body who gets dragged in to the Battle of the Bands by his friends, and there it unleashes itself, luckily Defendor played by Dave Brockie comes to the rescue, sort of.

After that comes the greatest thing in the movie, a live performance clip of Ghoul but only for a short while then comes tits and I'm still not complaining, but then the guys enters the Troma office to see if Lloyd would be willing to distribute their movie, now Lloyd seem to be having his presence in all kinds of movie just for the hell of it nowadays so it's not really a guarantee for quality.

And the third and last of the segments is also the messiest scriptwise and if it looked good on paper which I doubt then I have no idea how they messed it up this bad. It starts of with a breakup between a couple because the guy went into meditation and doesn't fulfill her needs any longer so she sets of and have an orgy while he gets more and more confused by what's happening to him during meditation, as he starts to get hallucinations it shows that he is the chosen one to rid the world of evil, he starts his killingspree with a drugdealing gang called the altar boys led by a famous televangelist.

In the middle of this segment we got to see the main guy flip through the channels and we get to watch some homemade spoof trailers and I noticed that they forgot the letter n in Adventures of the Skull Hand.

The ending like in the movie was a salvation and a hell at the same time, finally I have endured those moments of intense agony but the torment will still linger in my mind and body and luckily I got to listen to The Brains excellent song Screaming when the credits started to roll, for half a minute then it abruptly fades off to some abhorrent musical kiddie techno retch up.

The only promise that got delivered was tits, there were hardly any gore and the minimum of bloodletting that we get to see is not even worth mentioning, it wasn´t even bad, you can´t really call it bad, it was worse, to call it bad is like calling a slow dismemberment or branding torture Thai massage, Hack Job is so bad that we have to invent a new word for this evisceration of the art of uberhorrendous filmmaking.

When I was 15, me and a friend were watching alot of cheesy entertaining horrormovies (well I still do that) then we got the idea to write a script and thought that we were hilarious, two years after we got a hold of the abhorrent creation we made, the chock of the useless garbage made us disband everything immediatley and ignore it´s existence until today because that unfinished script was filled with way more talent than this ¤I still haven´t found a fitting name for whatever this is¤.

Here is an interesting thing, this movie had 60 000 dollars in budget, how? Mark Pirro, Francois Simard and Anouk Whissel had 500- 2000 dollar and surpassed the most with that budget, this world is not a fair place and again I have lost all hope in humanity! And there is no bigger mystery when it comes to who writes everything positive on IMDB now is it?

Twenty minutes into this movie I had to see if any of my other garbagemovie fan friends have seen it and could say if the movie in any way could be a little bit better, none of them could endure it to the end so it was pretty much up to me and it was tough, this movie is so dimensionally beyond bad that it more or less made me doubt the good in any movie, my eyes went sore, my tastebuds became barren,my organs collapsed, my muscles got a severe case of atrophy and my will to live got snuffed out completely, I couldn´t even find the strength to write a review but I had to, the crappiness of Hack Job took such a big piece of me that I had to avenge myself somehow.

Rating: 0 out of 5.

Directed by: James Balsamo
Written by: James Balsamo
Produced by: James Balsamo, Veronika Brussmannova,
Dan E. Danger, Daniel Eisenbraun, Lloyd Kaufman

Cinematography by: James Balsamo
Editing by: James Balsamo
Special Effects by: James Balsamo, Shane McGowin, Steve Siegelbaum
Music by: Ghoul, F.K.U., Calabrese, The Hypnophonics, The Hitchocks, Nerd Follia, The Bone Machine, The Brainds, Tombstone Brawlers, Death by Stereo, The Creepshow, Nightmare Sonata, Goat the Head, Church for Sinners, The Gruesome Boys, Teenage Bottlerockets, Satan's Host, Bloodsucking Zombies from Outer Space, Bleeding Fist, American Werewolves
Cast: James Balsamo, Michael Shershenovich, Dave Brockie,
Lynn Lowry, Debbie Rochon, Lloyd Kaufman

Year: 2011
Country: USA
Language: English 
Color: Color
Runtime: 1h 36min

Distributor: Acid Bath Productions/ Digital Media Rights